The core counselor
by Lydrian
Summary: An explosion at Aperture Science facility brings attention to a secret organization. The agent that they bring in has a difficult task ahead of him, categorizing ALL of the personality cores. T for some course language in chapter 2 onward.
1. Chapter 1

Aperture Science

January 26, 2048

21:47:54

I've always hated my job. Whenever an accident happens that causes a big enough risk, we get called in. We are the "Total Panic Suppression Brigade" or TPSB, I know just rolls off the tongue.

Our job is when something like an explosion, a meteorite hitting, or a giant mutant cow that belches relish we cover it up before it can cause a panic.

You've heard of bigfoot? We're the ones who move him around the world before anyone sees him. The Chupacabra? Actually a vegetarian, we did that to the goats to get people off its trail. (those poor goats) Anyway I think you get the idea. We move in, gather the information we need, then make it disappear like it never happened.

Now it sounds like fun to you doesn't it? Traveling the world, finding rare beasts, bribing locals, and making sure that the huge secrets of the world stay secret, it almost sounds like the adventure of a lifetime huh? Well after seven years of doing this to make a living I can say I've had enough for A DOZEN LIFETIMES!

A thankless job being dragged all over to the most remote and unbearable regions on the planet. My friends and family thinking I'm just a jobless bum living off my roommate. And the pay is so crap It's almost not worth it. Almost.

Now here I am, being called it the middle of the night to some abandoned science facility in the middle of nowhere. Apparently the power core had overloaded and caused some kind of explosion. It wasn't close to any large population areas, but we did have to bribe a couple of local farmers to keep their traps shut. Probably offered more in one day then I make in two years tax-free.

As I walked through the seemingly endless facility, I heard a noise that made me hate my job even more.

"Hey, Lydrian!" I slowly turned to face the one man who could make this miserable job even worse: William Q Goldsmith the 3rd, a name that sounded almost as regal as the man it belonged to was an idiot. "So you got called in to, at least I'm not the only one. It would be pretty scary being in this kind of place alone wouldn't it." The portly man chuckled nervously.

I ran my hand through my crimson dyed hair. "Yeah, really terrifying. I'm practically shaking in my boots at the thought," I replied in a bored monotone voice. I'm a generally tall, slightly lanky twenty-six year old man. My family studied some rare kind of magic involving dragons, because of that they named me Lydrian, after a two-headed dragon that lived in a volcano.

"So, since you got called in last-minute I guess you didn't get the details." William went on pulling me out of my thoughts.

"Yeah, you don't get a lot out of a phone call at nine-thirty at night that only says 'Explosion at an old Aperture Science facility. Directions sent to your phone.' Stupid pricks, calling me on what was supposed to be my day off." I spat out my venom filled words with a scowl. It made William visibly more anxious, which made me a little more amused.

"Well," he continued as we walked on, "Apparently the place was run by an AI," he handed me a file that I flipped through as he spoke, "The computer known as GLaDOS had run tests with two robots called ATLAS, and P-body. Years prior to this however they had used human subjects that had to go through the test chambers. One subject in particular that we believe was named Chell."

I kept turning the pages of the file memorizing every word and studying every picture. "What kind of research was going on?"

"Portal technology. Like shooting two walls then walking into one and out the other. Real sci-fi stuff."

"Everything in this job is real sci-fi stuff," I replied bitterly, "What happened to the Ai, GLaDOS?"

"It seems that it had downloaded itself into an artificial body and left. We are still trying to find out why it would do so, but without her influence the facility shut down and that's what caused the explosion."

"What of the two robots she tested with?"

"Both of them were destroyed in the explosion. We were able to find a complete copy of their memories, but they were kind of...really stupid."

"You don't say," I looked at the picture of the one called ATLAS and saw a strong resemblance to the man by my side. I struggled not to laugh as I went on asking routine questions, "What of this Chell woman? Was she here?"

"It seems as though she had been released from the facility over thirty years ago. She had no family on record, and just vanished."

"Any of the other subjects?"

"Most of them are deceased due to being in hypersleep so long, and the ones still alive are in a catatonic state from massive brain damage."

I looked at a few of the pictures and felt my stomach turn. I closed the file and handed it back to William, "So what's my role this time around?" I asked, my non-existant enthusiasm crusting over inside of me.

"Well before they died, the scientists created personality cores. They are these eyeball looking things that are all kinda wierd. You've been called in to catalog them, and trust me there is alot. Like more than we can even count."

"Joy. What about you? What are you doing?"

"Well we don't know how many there is total, but we know at least four are missing. I have to find out where they are. But hey It can't be that hard right?" He gave another nervous laugh. "Well later Lydrian, we should spend some time together some time out side of work."

"Yeah we should totally do that," I called waving at him untill he was out of earshot, "Just as soon as I give myself a lobotomy with a rusty spoon." I grumbled under my breath.

I took a look at the directions to the personality core storage area. As I reached the security doors and looked inside all I saw where countless tubes filled with countless orbs, all of which had huge glowing eyes that were all focused on me. I sighed as I looked around the room saying, "I've always hated my job, but somehow it just got worse."

**Well, The first chapter of my first fanfic is done. I hope you all enjoy reading it as I did typing it. I can't say that all chapters will be this long, in fact most will probably be really short, but I'll add chapters about Lydrian and his life if you want. It's mostly just gonna be him talking to a bunch of cores and classifying them. If you want you can tell me the kind of core you want to see, because as great as my creativity is, I won't be able to think of so many cores in a row. Long end bit=time to shut up. Revew if you liked or not. Later.**


	2. Chapter 2

Aperture Science: Personality Core storage

January 26, 2048

22:14:28

"You've got to be kidding me," I looked around feeling amazingly uncomfortable with so many eyes staring at me at once. "It's like that school play we had to do in third grade about the revolution, except my father isn't here yelling, 'What kind of a man wears a blouse?'"

I walked awkwardly around the giant tubes untill I found what I assume was a control module for the sector. Next to it was a pedestal with a large tube above it. I booted up the module and was greeted by the facility logo and a female voice.

"Welcome to Aperture Science facility's personality chamber. It appears that we are running on auxiliary power, so unfortunately we are unable to bring a full list of the personality cores available for activation."

Oh peachy, more work for me. I inspected the module and found it responded to voice commands. "Computer, what options are there available in the current state of power?"

"Proccessing...Done. Options available are: Manual search and personality match. Systems online are vacuum tube transport and basic core finder program."

Not a lot I could do, from the looks of it I would have to spend days just to make a dent in the giant eyeball pile. I decided to go with the option that seemed the most interesting. "Computer, activate personality match."

"Personality match starting," A large number of lights began what I think was scanning me. To afraid to move I stood there for a few minutes untill, "Personality core found."

The tubes that stretched the facility began to whirl and pulled one of the glowing eyes out of a tube. It traveled through the air until it exited the tube on the pedestal next to the module.

It's eye had a greyish red tint to its' glow and was shaped jagged, but kinda nubby at the points. We stared at each other for a moment before it broke the silence.

"WHO THE F*** ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO BE HUH?!" It yelled obviously amused.

I was a little shocked that out of all the first impressions in the world, THAT was the one it chose. "Sheesh, for something without a mouth you sure have one don't you?"

"HEY, SCREW YOU BUDDY!" It continued in a voice even louder than the last, "I'VE BEEN IN THAT TUBE FOR YEARS FILLED WITH A BUNCH OF IDIOTS THAT JUST RAMBLE ON AND ON AND ON ABOUT NOTHING. DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT'S LIKE?!"

I immediately thought of every job I've been assigned to with William. "Yes I do actually, so I can't really blame you."

It let out a scoff, "FINE, AS LONG AS YOU GET IT. SO HOW ABOUT ANSWERING MY QUESTION? WHO THE F*** ARE YOU?!"

"Lydrian Krag, agent in the Total Panic Suppression Brigade. We are here investigating the explosion here."

"THAT'S A STUPID NAME." It replied.

"Which, mine or the groups?"

"BOTH. ANYWAY, I'M CRABBY CORE, AND I GUESS I'M THANKFUL YOU GOT ME OUT OF THAT TUBE OF BUMBLING IDIOTS."

"If your name is Crabby Core then you have no right to insult others names, and why did you get picked specifically?"

"PISS OFF! YOU THINK I LIKE BEING STUCK WITH THIS STUPID NAME?!"

"Not my problem."

"AGHHH, WHATEVER! THE PERSONALITY MATCH THAT YOU DID SCANS YOUR VITALS AND BRAINWAVES TO FIGURE OUT WHICH CORE BEST MATCHES YOU. SO HERE I AM, YOUR PERSONAL CORE. CONGRATU-F***ING-LATIONS!"

I looked at the talking robot eye for a bit, "...nope, don't see it." At that moment I thought of something that would save me a lot of work...hopefully. "So Crabby, since you're a core you should know a lot about the other cores right?"

"GOD I WISH I DIDN'T BUT UNFORTUNATELY I DO. WHY?"

I smiled to myself, "Here's the deal. You help me organize the other cores in my report, and I don't put you back in the tube. Deal?"

It growled at me, then eventually, "FINE. ANYTHING IS BETTER THAN BEING IN THAT CRAPPY TUBE."

"Great," I picked it up and looked back at the module, "So where to start?"

"HELL IF I KNOW. EITHER WAY WILL WIND UP WITH SOME STUPID PRICK!"

I chuckled to myself. I've always hated my job, but at least now I have someone to hate it with me.

* * *

**Well here's chapter 2. If you can figure out where I got Crabby Cores personality from, you get...well nothing really. You just get the satisfaction of being right. If your wondering why I censored myself, It was so I wouldn't offend someone more than I would have.**

** Aorta Heartless: I'll try to think of a way it's possible, but I can't promise anything.**

**Anyway untill next chapter.**


	3. Chapter 3

Aperture Science: Personality Core storage

January 26, 2048

* * *

22:27:43

"Good lord, where do we begin?" The list of personality cores was unimaginably long, to the point were it gave me a head-ache. "These scientists had way to much time on their hands."

"DON'T WORRY," my loud new friend said, "YOU WON'T HAVE TO DEAL WITH THEM ALL."

I sighed in relief, "What do you mean?"

"WE CORES BECOME CORRUPT OVER TIME. ONCE CORRUPTION BECOMES 100% IT EITHER IS THROWN INTO THE FURNACE, OR SHUTS DOWN." He said looking at the uncountable mass of robotic eyes, "I DOUBT HALF OF THESE F***ING IDIOTS ARE EVEN ACTIVE NOW."

As much as he seemed to hate them, and everything in general, It almost seemed that he felt sad saying this. "Look, I don't-," the tubes started up as my hand brushed the control panel bringing down a core with a dark green eye with a star-ish shape.

"Ha, finally got out of there," it says with a deep, gruff, very commanding voice, "Young man I thank you for your assistance in over coming that enemy holding ground."

"OH GOD, HIM," The exasperated sigh that came from Crabby Core was not making me look forward to this.

"Ah, the young angry core, wow are you doing solder? Still fighting the good fight? We can't let the enemy get the upper hand on us. Quickly we must barricade our base of operations before the infantry arrives. We may be low on supplies and ammunition, but spirit we have in surplus. The enemy will be apon us soon so-" as he continued to ramble I turned to Crabby core.

_"What's the deal with him?"_ I whispered

_"MILITARY CORE,"_ he said, his eye squinting in irritation,_ "HE GOES ON AND ON ABOUT AN IMAGINARY BATTLE IN AN IMAGINARY WAR THAT HE THINKS IS REAL."_

_"...How do we get him to shut up?"_ I asked trying to tune out the battle tactics being shouted at us.

_"WE DON'T."_

"Excuse me privet!" The old core exclaimed, "If you are going to be planning you had better first suggest it to your commanding officer. Unless you're planning a mutiny," he glared at us, "I warn you now if I suspect betrayal I won't hesitate to throw you in the stockades!"

Thinking fast I puffed out my chest, "Yes sir, sorry sir!"

_"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"_ my loud friend failed to whisper.

_"Play along,"_ looking back at the General, "Sir, we have important information involving the enemy troops!" I looked at Crabby and winked

"HUH? OH...OH,YEAH! VERY, VERY IMPORTANT. IT COULD CHANGE THE COURSE OF THIS WHOLE BULLSH*T WAR!"

"Well, spit it out solders. What's the news?" he responded urgently.

"It seems as thought the enemy has already captured the territory."

The old delusional core's eye grew wide, "Are you sure about this privet?"

I struggled not to laugh at how easily this core could be manipulated, "Yes sir, however several rebel groups are fighting them off as best they can. It is making the enemy unorganized allowing us to bide our time and build up the necessary force needed."

"YEAH, WHAT HE SAID. SO WITH ALL DUE RESPECT SIR, WE BELIEVE THE BEST CORSE OF ACTION IS FOR YOU TO LAY LOW IN SLEEP MODE UNTILL ONE OF US WAKES YOU. THEN WE BURST IN, AND FORCE BACK THE ENEMY IN A BLAZE OF GLORY!"

I was impressed at how easily Crabby could follow along and improvise, it certainly had its effect on the general. He was silent for a moment, then, "Very well, I will count on you two. If this works, I'll have to promote you to."

"THANK YOU SIR!" we both exclaimed as the core in front of us nodded, and powered down. After which we broke into laughter.

"Oh man, that was simple." I struggled to breath through the laughter

"I KNEW THE OLD FART WAS DELUSIONAL, BUT I DIDN'T KNOW HE WAS THAT DUMB!"

It took another minute for us to settle, I took a look around and sighed. "One down, twenty-billion to go."

Report- Military Core

Possibly used to allow GLaDOS military tactics

Defects: Trapped in a war of his own creation, leaving him unable to comprehend current situations

Final Verdict: Possible use in military operation, otherwise useless

* * *

**Third chapter up...yeah.**

**Not sure how often I'll update, but shouldn't be more then a week each, due to my lazyness and life.**

**Due whatever, blah blah, see ya.**


	4. Chapter 4

Aperture Science: Personality Core storage

January 26, 2048

23:08:13

"HATE HIM, HATE HIM, HATE HIM..." After sitting there for about thirty minutes listening to Crabby state his hatred for every core I would bring up from the list, I'll admit I was getting a bit impatient.

"Will you just hurry up and tell me a Core that you DON'T HATE YOU PERMANENTLY PISSED-OFF SPHERE!?" Ok, a lot impatient.

"EASIER SAID THAN DONE YOU ANGRY MEAT SACK! EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THESE DEFECTIVE 'SIBLINGS' OF MINE, THE SCIENTISTS USED TO CALL THEM, ARE UNIMAGINABLY IRRITATING!" He looked at then names on the registry, "I HATE HIM, HIM, HER, HIM, HI-...WELL, HE'S OK I GUESS, BUT..."

I didn't even give him a chance to finish his sentence before selecting the core he was looking at. I can't really say he "pointed" it out due to the lack of limbs to do so.

As expected the tube rattled, shook, and spat out a core with a gold eye that looked like it had a circuit board design.

Crabby sighed, "HELLO, UPGRADE CORE."

"Crabby, still with the unending shouting." It spoke in a bit of a high-pitched voice, "You know I could always upgrade your voice modulator to-"

"NO! YOU ARE NOT TOUCHING ANYTHING OF MINE YOU IMPROVEMENT CRAZED BABOON! I REMEMBER THE TIME YOU ALTERED THE TRANSPORT TUBES TO SPRAY MELTED CHEESE ALL AROUND THE FACILITY!"

"Oh, come on," looking away defensively. "Who doesn't love cheese?"

"PEOPLE THAT ARE LACTOSE INTOLERANT?!"

"That's no excuse to hate cheese." It said squinting. At this point I think I understood what that BUT... was about. As capable as this core was supposed to be, he apparently likes to make upgrades that wouldn't exactly be called upgrades. "Anyway," he turned to look at me, "you're the one that turned on the Core transportation system eh? The suction around the fourth turn around tube thirty-nine drops off a bit. If you let me tinker with it Any Cores beyond that section will get here about .6 seconds faster. what do you say?"

After hearing the cheese talk a second before, the last thing I was going to do is let him anywhere near the tube system. "No it's fine, .6 seconds isn't a big deal," I replied quickly, "I just need to ask some questions is all."

"You sure? Oh well your loss. Ask away pal, if anyone knows the in's and out's of the facility it's one of us maintenance Cores."

So from that statement I can gather they are separated into specific categories, "alright, what can you tell me about the facility?"

"Hehehe, well where to start?"

"HOW ABOUT YOU DON'T? ASKING THIS BLUBBER SKULL ABOUT THE FACILITY IS LIKE ASKING A FISH ABOUT AMERICAN GOVERNMENT. THE ONLY THING HE'S INTERESTED IN IS USELESSLY UPGRADING THINGS IN A WAY THAT IS COMPLETELY BUMF*** RETARDED."

"Then why is it you don't hate him as much as the other Cores?"

"ANYONE WHO CAN PISSOFF GLaDOS LIKE HE DID, WITHOUT BEING PROGRAMED TO DO SO AND SURVIVE DESERVES MY RESPECT."

I sighed rubbing my temples to push back the migraine I knew was coming on, "Jesus, Upgrade Core can you please at least do something about getting some of the systems in here online?"

He thought for a moment, "I'll see what I can do, but I work with enhancing, not restoring."

"Good enough. Crabby, can you make sure he doesn't do anything excessive? I need to get some coffee or something."

"YEAH, FINE. I'LL KEEP THE DOUCH IN LINE."

I connected Upgrade Core into the terminal and started the trek to the main area. If this is how exhausted I am after three Cores, I'm going to be dead before this is half over.

Report- Upgrade Core

Most likely programmed to allow GLaDOS to constantly update the facility

Defects: Seems to be obsessed with unnecessary or bizarre upgrades

Final Verdict: Will see how useful relevent upgrades are than decide.

* * *

**Yeah, I'm not gonna pull the whole "I was in a coma and as soon as I came to I updated to for you guys" sob story. I had problems with my lungs for part of February, got it fixed around the first af March, and procrastinated untill now.**

**I apologize for the wait, those of you actually reading this story.**

**Reveiw if you want, and again I apologize.**


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